The NVC model: step 4, Requests

Requests in  NVCTM/NbC are specific and do-able. Asking for something the other person can’t give you is not effective, and usually ends with both parties feeling more frustrated. Give the other person something concrete to work with, within a defined time frame. “Please be nice to me” is basically meaningless as a communication and  “I want you to stop being so inconsiderate! is an insult, not a request. It’s more effective as well as more respectful to ask someone clearly, Would you help me carry the laundry upstairs sometime this afternoon?” or “Would you listen for 5 minutes while I tell you why I got upset this morning?” If you want to ask for something really big, consider breaking it up into stages to make it more do-able.

There’s one other really important distinction between NVC requests and everyday ones. A request is not the same as a demand. We don’t have any right to expect that any specific other person will meet our needs in the way we would like. And in fact we don’t even want them to meet it unless they want to, out of their own needs, such as a wish to support or contribute or exchange. It has to be open for all parties. If we’re not prepared to hear a ‘no’, then it’s a demand.

Very often, and especially in a charged situation, the first type of request to make is a connection request: for example, for the other person to echo back what they have heard us say, or to share how they feel about something.  If this is granted, and a connecting exchange results, then one can follow up later with an action request: to share the household tasks next week, or to spend Sunday morning doing something with the children, etc.

The request stage is where we start to look for strategies and solutions. It works well when it follows on from and emerges out of an awareness of the first three steps.

* In NbC, I call this stage ‘Actions’ rather than Requests. Having connected with my Feelings and Needs, I can often take my own steps to meet them without any further support from outside. Even if I do want to make a Request, I see that as a specific subset of Actions. Requests are great, and so is having support from others, but ‘taking Action’ can often be more empowering for me.

Go back to the previous step : Needs
Go to NVC model overview